All My City Is Belong To Party People

The Sunday edition of local Melbourne paper The Age has always been fairly lightweight. I certainly don't read it in anticipation of a hard-hitting journalistic expose. But I've always enjoyed a leisurely weekend flip through the supplements, especially the arts and entertainment section. So I noticed with interest that this part of the paper has (yet again) been given a new format - it's now called the 'M' magazine. 'M', so the caption tells me proudly, stands for 'More about you!' Cool - More about me! More about my town! More about me and my places and my stuff over a Sunday coffee, how lovely!

And there are so many things to simply adore about the last 2 weeks of 'M' magazine. Like the 'Teens on the Turf' cover story:


which is all about 'why spring racing is the new prom' (was there an old prom? I thought proms were American and we called it 'the school formal' or 'the social' but hey, I only work in schools, what do I know) and featured terrific information about adolescents called 'Kyrsten' and 'Amelia' who go to the horseraces in black strappy diamante heels and pearls and how they, like, looove the races because 'it's all about the excitement of dressing up and getting your hair done. There are aren't that many opportunities to get all glamourous and that's what it's all about'.

Then there's the following week's:

about (OMG, SCOOP) finding designer fashion items in chain stores.

But I think my absolute favorite part, which luckily I managed to find sandwiched in between all the pages of advertising, is this regular column:


You may remember Pete Glutbuster has had words to say about her before. I knew Mik's section would be something special when I saw that the first interview was with a young lady



whose description read:


And I wasn't let down.


Oh, see that? This poppet like, totally has a sense of humour about herself. Let's give her a second chance.


Wow. That answer was brimming with sharp wit and specific detail. Next penetrating question, please, Mik!


NEWS FLASH. Long held rumour confirmed when model-turned-aspiring actress confirms public suspicion that she ACTUALLY ONLY HAS A HALF A BRAIN IN HER HEAD. I knew it! How the hell does she function? Is she allowed to drive? Does she need help using the toilet?


Wonderful. Watch out Cate Blanchett etc. Keep grilling, Mik!


Love. Angel. Music. Baby. Urge. To. Vomit. Rising.

But wait. She said, her passions could 'get her into trouble!' Maybe she's going to make a shocking admission regarding her activities in the toilets at Candy Bar or similar.

And I’m so glad she doesn’t have one of those boring, predictable passions, like most people do, you know? Like creating ground-breaking art or making exciting new music or saving the child soldiers in Uganda or protecting the threatened Indo-Chinese tiger species.


Oh, come here. I'll give you a hug. Just take care that the white hot light of revulsion emanating from my heart doesn’t pierce your smoothly spray-tanned epidermis.

And wait, there's more. Here's last week's offering!


‘Hiyeeeee!’

On your marks, Mik, GO!


Really? Skinny jeans, that's actually what she wears while lying about watching Grey's Anatomy or The Amazing Race? Question Two and she already sounds like an incurable try-hard. (also please note, possible cause number 4 as listed here.)


Great choice of words, Mik. It sounds like a book from the 'Issues' section of the school library, 'My Mummy And Daddy Are Special.' You'll find it in between 'My Sister is Deaf' and 'Zack has asthma'.

Anyway.


Ho, fabulous! StephMc! The soap-turned-pop starlet of 'The Staph Steph Show'! The lass whose struggles with the concept of an album’s 'secret track' were so memorably captured over at Sternzine (if you haven't read that, please do)! The girl who, when asked by a UK fan on this Neighbours video post which charitable causes she was passionate about, could only stammer awkwardly that she was 'an ambassador for McDonalds' (yes, she actually did. It's right near the start, but I highly recommend the whole video for anyone in need of a laugh). The same girl who, when showing the 'Staph Show' cameras around the Neighbours set, helpfully informed her viewing audience, ‘And this is the torunda!’* And she’s her BESTIE! Since Year Seven! Tell us more!


NOTE: to the list of pop songs that may give you goosebumps (Good Vibrations, Thriller, Bohemian Rhapsody, Whiter Shade of Pale etc) please add 'You Should Have Lied' by StephMc. Lyric sample: ' If a tree falls inside of a forest and nobody hears it/It wont affect anybody 'cause no one will miss it.' I don't know about you, by my stomach's tingling. (Or lurching. It can be hard to tell.)

Right Mik, let's wind this up with a few final inquiries.


Ah, but in saying so, she's implying that she might, and that's a new and exciting way to name drop - her 5th so far (I've spared you a few). And I love that clarification- 'He's not just gorgeous - he's quirky.' Deep. But can we fit another name drop in?


YES WE CAN!!


Since I don't know her personally (although obviously having read this I feel very close to her), I'm going to give pastel here the benefit of the doubt and say, maybe this last answer is actually a joke. Am I being too generous? Could she seriously think that a man who looks like he'd enjoy nothing more than an evening of sweaty fumbling with some underage ladies and a video camera is someone worth getting it on with?

Oh Mik, you useless boobhag. Your party people and their inane chatter make me feel ill. And congratulations, 'M' editor Michelle Griffin, you've produced something so vapid that it actually makes reading the paper's other supplement, Sunday Life (which last week featured a half-naked girl on the front to illustrate that it was 'The Health Issue') feel like an intellectual challenge.

The Jelly Verdict
Maybe I'm wrong to complain. What the hell do I know about the throbbing beat of this city and it's partyfolk? I'm a slobby, unstylish musical theatre enthusiast with hair that is presently so unfashionably long that Snaz informed me I look like a virgin oboe player on her way to band camp. And why should I judge those who smugly wear one-offs from Parisian flea markets or S&B skinny jeans when I recently took advantage of the city's prematurely warm weather and walked to my parents house in my pyjamas?

It just shits me, I guess, that after multiple reads of the magazine that's supposedly 'More About Me' I can't find myself, or anything that even slightly relates to my life, inside it anywhere. I hope the rest of Melbourne is as excited as I am about what this weekend's edition may feature.




*Here’s a gloriously bitchy in-joke for ‘Neighbours’ fans (or hataz). In this official ‘Neighbours’ website video, StephMc's co-stars Dan and Caitlin conduct a similar tour of the set to the one Steph gave on her reality series ‘The Steph Show’. When they get to the 'rotunda', Caitlin says with a roll of her eyes, 'And here's the "TORUNDA",' and they both snigger. Oh StephMc, when even Dan ‘The Bulbous-Headed Idol-Singing Virgin' O' Connor is sniggering at you, I'd say your credibility is wearing dangerously thin.