Foiled by a Jug-Eared Fool

Read this first.

Right.

In a moment reminiscent of the chilling Australian Idol Rikki Lee Coulter unfair-eviction debacle, Nikki Webster was earlier this week heinously and unjustly booted from Dancing with the Stars, the strangely-skewed popularity contest masquerading as dance competition featuring tired old has-beens and at least one fool in a dreadful toupee (which has been upgraded this time round, has anyone else noticed?). A reality telelvision series with no credibility – big surprise I know – yet I am still disappointed, and the rest of Casa Del Jellyfish are with me on this. Even my Ancient Nana, Channel Seven’s Greatest Fan and the only person in Australia who still thinks Darryl Somers is a nice chap, is bitter. For full coverage see Fop, and also Crystal’s lament.

I did not campaign hard enough. I blame myself and now I must live with the guilt.

What else to say? A few things. This show sucks ass. Todd McKenney sucks ass (and not just because he does, actually, suck ass – I have no problem with that at all). Paul Mercurio sucks some small ass.

Here are the really smelly things:

• Paul Mercurio’s rather inappropriate comments to Nikki about the tango being passionate and adult and emotional (hmm, sounds familiar, wonder where he got this line from?) and then suggesting she get out there and get amongst it, *nudge wink*. You know, I’ll always hold a small candle for you Paul, because of this and this and because intriguingly, you blog, including while drunk, and because at the end of the day you’re just a poor thick dancer– but I will say that as a father of three girls, you should feel ashamed of yourself. VOM-IT.
• McKenney. You complete crunt-monkey. You gave her ONE POINT.What’s wrong with you? Are you mad? You shameless publicity whore. To think I applauded your Green Room awards! To think I felt sorry for you when Hugh Jackman stole away your signature role! Pfeh! I am frankly astounded that you’d treat a fellow theatre performer this way, especially one who is so young, and furthermore, that you’d do it all so publicly and with such apparent glee. I don’t care what you say, it’s just wrong -she’s 17. Cheap shot, McKenney. Cheap and nasty. (She's so onto you, by the way.)
• Derryn Hinch is still in the competition. Have you seen Derryn Hinch dance? It’s like watching a buffalo attempt synchronised swimming. This week he even performed to a song called ‘Dancing Fool’ – hohoho, behold my hollow laughter - and worst of all, he gets this embarrassed little smirk on his face when he tried to ‘act’ the dancing. I am embarrassed for him. Bleeaauurrghh.
• Everyone else left is hopeless too, except She Who Must Not Be Named, who will now win.
• Darryl Somers is going to keep singing, you realise? There’ll be no holding him back now.

Fop is keeping his chin up about Nikki’s prospects ('We like to imagine she'll soon be sitting on some governmental advisory board whose principal purpose is to ensure that Todd McKenney is never again gainfully employed'), but I can’t say I have any similar hopes. Her FHM shoot will be a disgrace, no one will take a chance on her music and she’ll slip further into anecdotal 'Whatever Happened To...?' status.

The Jelly Verdict
I feel a rant coming on, one about exploitation and profit, and who on earth has been taking responsibility for this child’s life and career, and parents who aren’t at all, no, not even the slightest bit, pushy or controlling (smother!), and slippery, pinkie-ring-wearing record company-types, and increasingly rotund, balding, former showtunes performers who slag off colleagues but must resort to performing in casinos, so I’ll finish off by simply asserting that my Dad said it best.

Dad: ‘I never liked that McKenney fellow.’
Me: ‘Why not?’
Dad: ‘Because his ears stuck out too much when we saw him in 42nd St’.



Even my father, Australia’s Number 1 showtunes fan, wants to bitch-slap you, you gibbon. Bah.


ps - working too much. have no life. updates ASAP.